I still search

When I first moved to Santa Barbara, I spent a lot of time alone. I moved here knowing no one and I didn't really try to get to know anyone. I also have this weird habit of sitting in my car for a good three minutes after I park but before I get out. This isn't contingent upon whether or not there is a good song playing; there really is no reason for it. Either way, one night after I first moved here I was sitting in my car listening to UCSB's college radio station and this beautiful folky song came on.

Because I am a product of the google generation, I instantly tried to "Shazam" the song with my IPhone. Unfortunately, the song was so obscure that it didn't register to "Shazam's" database and returned the dreaded "unable to match" message. Well, this wasn't going to set me back. I consider myself pretty adept at figuring out how to "jerry-rig" things in my life. I believe this trait comes from the excessive amount of Nancy Drew books I read as a child, which has given me this idea that, though not a teen anymore and despite the lack of "mysteries" in my everyday life, I indeed am a teen sleuth. Therefore, I must be prepared to handle just about anything at a moment's notice. So, I used the recording function on my phone and recorded the song--with the plan of google searching the lyrics later. Genius, I know. So I recorded about two minutes of the song and a short amount of jabber from the radio DJ. I searched for the lyrics right there on my phone and I came up with nothing. See, turns out that all the technology in the world (Or, at least safari on the IPhone) isn't much help if what you're looking for is actually something rare and in my opinion one of the most hauntingly beautiful songs I've ever heard. So that evening I convinced my teen sleuth self to give up on the search for the beautiful folk song and call it a night. In all honesty I probably had three beers and passed out after watching SVU on my computer. So, not to worry, I didn't suffer that intensely. A whole year and a half has gone by and this morning I decided to listen to some music while I read the paper and drank my coffee. As I was searching through my ITunes library I noticed that one little voice note from December 8th, 2009 at 7:31pm. I listened to the recording again, the way one looks at a faded picture of an old lover or thinks of a favorite sweater that has been lost. This time though, this time my Nancy-sense kicked into high gear. I was not going to let this year old case keep me up at night. So I did another lyrics search as I listened to the recording. Then, something I hadn't caught before. The DJ! She says the name of the band when the song is finished. "And that was "Up All Night" from the Polka Dot Dot Dots. And before that....". One quick google search later and a jaunt over to ITunes and I've downloaded all of the groups albums and have already listened to one. The song "Up All Night" is even more beautiful in the studio-version and I can't wait to have an embarrassing play count number next to the song.

Cause, when you open up your mouth

Paper cranes come flying out

In no reply

a little sunday morning poetry.

Seems that the wrath of the Gods
Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow;
I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
I'll meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.

To find a queen without a king,
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings... la la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin' to find a woman who's never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

mah homeboy Jalal ad-Din Rumi said this once:

Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don't claim them. Feel the artistry moving through and be silent.

Or...scream your heart out.

Either seems fine.

look ma, I'm flying

lately I've been worrying a lot. about everything.
my sister
my dad
my brothers
my job
my roommate
my love life
my future
I've been worrying so much it has become debilitating. I'm suffocating under my own neuroses. I'm a real winner I know. But all things must come to a synthesis at some point and when it happens, fuck it feels good. I was driving, well I was actually being driven down the coast the other day, and it hit me. Actually it didn't hit me. It snuck up on me--because I'm stubborn as shit--even in my own head and I sort of have to ease myself into things. So I'm being driven and I start to ease myself into this idea. This idea that all this worry and contemplation and analyzing of the things I think I've fucked up or missed out on or haven't done well enough--well it is all really pointless. No, I haven't become a nihilist. I just realized that even though I think I could control the whole world--I actually don't. (realizing this sucked) I realized that I am actually in control of much less than I think or thought I was. I felt the lift of the responsibility of the pursuit of my own happiness--right from my shoulders and it felt fucking great. I realized that if I am patient and good my life will be what it's supposed to be. I need to stop trying to shape my life while I'm in the middle of it. I need to stand back and watch the process because, let us be honest, I'm driving myself nuts. Releasing control was a foreign feeling for me. scary as shit. But I just imagined myself on the other side. weightless and free. Putting hope and faith into the idea that I don't have nearly as much control as I think I do is a great feeling.

funky freshh

listening to this today.
feeling a little bit funky and a little bit fresh.

Thinking about my in-the-near-future trip to LACMA. I've been dreaming about Richard Serra's installation and can't wait to feel the cool steel under my fingers.

today, everyone must take a chill pill. extra large please. I don't know if I am cut out to hack it in the real world: alpha titans office. People need to be honest. Bottom line. Things would be thousands of times better.


"Omg there are like, a thousand firefighters down the street"