look ma, I'm flying

lately I've been worrying a lot. about everything.
my sister
my dad
my brothers
my job
my roommate
my love life
my future
I've been worrying so much it has become debilitating. I'm suffocating under my own neuroses. I'm a real winner I know. But all things must come to a synthesis at some point and when it happens, fuck it feels good. I was driving, well I was actually being driven down the coast the other day, and it hit me. Actually it didn't hit me. It snuck up on me--because I'm stubborn as shit--even in my own head and I sort of have to ease myself into things. So I'm being driven and I start to ease myself into this idea. This idea that all this worry and contemplation and analyzing of the things I think I've fucked up or missed out on or haven't done well enough--well it is all really pointless. No, I haven't become a nihilist. I just realized that even though I think I could control the whole world--I actually don't. (realizing this sucked) I realized that I am actually in control of much less than I think or thought I was. I felt the lift of the responsibility of the pursuit of my own happiness--right from my shoulders and it felt fucking great. I realized that if I am patient and good my life will be what it's supposed to be. I need to stop trying to shape my life while I'm in the middle of it. I need to stand back and watch the process because, let us be honest, I'm driving myself nuts. Releasing control was a foreign feeling for me. scary as shit. But I just imagined myself on the other side. weightless and free. Putting hope and faith into the idea that I don't have nearly as much control as I think I do is a great feeling.